Talkin' Petty
Jim: So.
Kirk: Yeah.
Jim: What's up?
Kirk: Not much. Just hangin' out.
Jim: How's the family? Wife? Kids? Did they get their Dip-Tet? You gonna send Sammy to Arizona State?
Kirk: They're all good. Kids just got a bath. Tieraney's wondering what would she and little angels do if a truck came along and splattered my brains all over the interstate.
Jim: Good. You got a good thing going there. Good.
Kirk: Hey, thanks.
Jim: So, anything new goin' on with you? Up there. In Ohio. Where you live. You're still in Ohio, right?
Kirk: I got the new Petty album, that one with the space ship on the cover.
Jim: I dig me some Petty. How come he doesn't play "Breakdown" in concert? No "Breakdown" playing motherfucker. Why isn't "Lawyers In Love" on any of Jackson Browne's greatest hits compilations? Is it that part where he says, "The Capital" in that cringe inducing way? And why Is It that everytime I type the letter I on my keyboard, It comes out capitalized? These are the things I think about.
Oh yeah, how's the album?
Kirk: Yeah, it's okay. I don't know...the critics seem to like it a lot, say it's a return to form, but I'm not sure I like the form to which he's returning. Don't get me wrong, I dig Tom, but I think he's getting a bit lazy with his songwriting. He's more of a balladeer these days than a rocker. The chord progressions are a bit predictable, the melodies are a bit lazy. Tom's getting old, I guess, and the album's relaxed, and that's fine. It's good driving music (if you're driving at night), but I keep wanting something a little more. I'd like to see him get back to rocking. Know what, though? I'm being unfair. It's a solo album. His solo albums are always more relaxed and minimal than his stuff with the Heatbreakers. I guess that's why he does it. And there are some songs on there that move. "Big Weekend" is a great track, and "Jack" caught me off guard, but I've had the album for a few weeks now and I haven't been propelled to listen to it more than a few times. I usually listen to a new album a few times in one day. But do you know what? Good on Tom. I don't care if he never releases another album as great as Southern Accents (deal with that, you Petty nerds, my favorite album is Southern Accents), I just want him to keep on rollin. There seems to be this belief in the music industry that artists should give up when they're no longer relevant (aside, I'm not saying Tom's no longer relevant, just work with me on this). That's stupid. We'll shift over to, say, Styx here. No REO Speedwagon. They're working on a new album right now. You can argue that REO was never relevant, but they had some big, shiny hits, and they wrote some great, great songs that my wife and I both dig, and that doesn't happen much with the old bands. Will REO ever write another hit? Probaly not. They won't get another shot at airplay. So, should they quit? No. Why should they? This is their job. It's what they do. You haven't closed a deal as big as the Fledderman estate in three years, doesn't mean you should quit going to office. You'll never again make your wife see stars when you make the sweet, sweet love on the couch in the den while Roseanne reruns are on, but that doesn't mean you should quit trying. As long as Kevin and Gary and whoever the hell else is still in REO Speedwagon can make a living recording new songs that no one wants to hear when they tour, then God bless 'em. If Queen wants to tour with Paul Rodgers because, you know, not their fault Freddie died, then God bless 'em. If Tom Petty wants to release new songs in his fourth decade as a recording artist, then God bless him. Four decades on, I'll take what Tom's giving me over those punk ass Coldplay kids.
So, anyway, those are my thoughts. Use what you will.
Jim: Gwyneth had Coldplay's babies. That's pretty much all I got there. Hey...sure is hot here. Could fry a thing on another thing on which you normally wouldn't, you know, fry a thing.
Kirk: Yeah, I've got a thing you can fry a thing on.
Jim: I fried a thing on a thing that one time.
Kirk: How'd that turn out for you?
Jim: I don't understand the question.
Kirk: Wait...aren't you talking about that big skillet I got for Christmas last year?
Jim: Nah, I was thinking of something else. Probably. I don't know. Big skillet. I got a big skillet for Christmas once. No, we just did that bit, never mind.
Kirk: I just want someone to fry me up some potato cakes on the big skillet.
Jim: Kirk, is there something we're forgetting? Doesn't it seem like there's something we're forgetting?
Kirk: I don't think so. My anniversary was in June. You're not going to see James Taylor this month. I don't think we're forgetting anything. Why?
Jim: James Taylor—see, you know what's good? That's a reference that literally only you and I could ever possibly get. That reference is so good, it could be the next kitchen utensil.
Kirk: Ah...now there's one that everyone should be laughing at, and yet the bastards don't. And I'm okay calling them bastards, because despite what the web stats say, I still believe no one other than you and me is reading this. Well, yeah, aside from all those Germans. And those dudes from Seychelles and something called Old Style Arpanet.
Jim: Yeah, I think if I'm gonna turn the vituperative production blog into illicit, dangerous, Bob Crane-level shameful sex, I'm gonna have to take a trip across the pond. I'm way over in Europe. You know, if only we could find a forum where our obscure...ah well. I don't know; I just have this...huh. We talked about Petty, right?
Kirk: Yeah. I think we're done. Are we done?
Jim: No. We're not. I'm not sure what we are, but done we ain't. Okay, well, you have a good week then. Maybe we do this again in a week, say, after the 19th, maybe, I guess. I don't know.
Kirk: Whatever. I've got nothing else going on.
Jim: Yeah, I'm bored out of my fucking mind. I've got to turn out Summer Slam '05 for the Counterfactual this week, but other than that, just, you know, it's been pretty slow.
Kirk: Yeah, maybe I should start writing something again. I've got those novels to complete. I should try to get back into something creative. Been a long time.
Jim: Know what would be funny? A joke about the number seven. See what you can do with that. You're the zany one. Seriously, man, please tell me you're the zany one. If I'm the zany one, I'm gonna fucking hang myself. And not in the good way.
Kirk: I was hung in the good way, once. Oh, wait. That's your line. And we already did it. Twice, I think. Damn. We'd better watch ourselves, or we may start writing stuff that runs about 45 minutes too long.
Jim: Hey—you know, not for nothing, but that one thing, you know, the one thing that I can't really remember what it is right now but I got a feeling maybe, you know, it might come back to me in a week—we got a shot, right?
Kirk: We do. We really, really do.
Jim: Son of a bitch. How'd the hell that happen? I'm still thinking there's been a clerical error.
Kirk: Yeah, I had a clerical error once. Hell, now it's not even making any sense. Screw it. I have to go get the life insurance squared away. Tieraney's got her hands full with the little angels.
Jim: Talk to you next week. After the 19th. Try to think of a topic.
Kirk: Potato cakes, maybe?
Jim: Potato cakes. I just think they're neat.
The first rule of Spoon Millionaires is –
youdon't talk about Spoon Millionaires.
The second rule of Spoon Millionaires is –
you always talk about Spoon Millionaires.
After the 19th.
Spoon Millionaires
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
